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STUPID CRIMINAL #4

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When I started writing these “stupid criminal” commentaries, the memory of this gem popped into my mind almost instantaneously. There is just so much fail in this record-breaking-ly feeble attempt to rob a liquor store that it is quite possible it will reign supreme as the stupidest crime of all time forever. Whoever says “records were meant to be broken” clearly never saw this video. With that being said, I decided it would be criminal of me to not at least say a few words.

It all begins with our burglar making the type of attempt to climb onto the roof of this booze barn that only a mother could applaud. After plummeting to the asphalt and dramatically rolling three times into a fetal position, the little engine that could picks himself up and gives it another go. Round two follows, and it doesn’t disappoint. With our shadow in the night positioned triumphantly on the roof, he proceeds to cut a hole in the ceiling with himself standing smack in the middle of that hole. Luckily for the dunce, his neck breaks his fall and he is served up with some nice refreshments as he lay semi-conscious on the floor. It turns out that there is just no quit in Mr. Awkward Falls. He once again picks himself up and nonchalantly walks around the liquor store with a push cart as if he were sales-shopping on a Sunday afternoon. After struggling to figure out how to unlock the door and make his big getaway, the real-life Mr. Bean tries to escape back through the ceiling only to fall out of the sky for a third time as his grand finale. There’s only one thing left to do and buddy nails it big time. Take a bow, sir…and enjoy that sweet cigarette. You truly are a legendarily stupid criminal.

Smart criminals = Job Security. Stupid Criminals = Good Stories. Cops everywhere would like to take a moment to thank this future human crash-test dummy for doing his part. Cheers!

I don’t know how to categorize these two but I’m sure there is a light bulb joke about them out there somewhere.

Cops know that most criminals are creatures of habit and opportunistic in nature. Your average thief will pick the lowest hanging fruit when out on the prowl. It is for this reason we like to warn people not to leave their laptops, purses, and cellphones on the seat of their Chevy when they run to the store. Johnny Perp comes walking by and says “Oh, they’re practically giving it away!”

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